Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
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