Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
