I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
