I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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