just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
