I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
