She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
