stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
