Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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