using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i will never coherently bang her
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
