There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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