i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
