after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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