I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
