SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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