mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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