so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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