He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
