so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Randomize
