found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
