I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
