I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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