I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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