I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
