Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
