I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Panties = found
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
