He kissed a someone with a penis
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
