I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
