When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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