I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
