Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
