What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
