Four minutes until I can fart!
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
