no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
