I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I didn't notice because vodka
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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