and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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