i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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