just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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