I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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