my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Nicole vs. Life
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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