I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
