he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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