I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
dude. I can hear the air.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
