He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
