Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I am available for nakedness
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
