The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
