Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I believe in your delicious
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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