So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
