i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
