Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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